SMOKING HOPE

Vol. 1 No. 2

houston we have a problem: part II

​This is a five part series intended to be read in order.​
​WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL CONTENT. DISCRETION ADVISED.

MY INITIAL REACTION was to run back to bed and throw the covers over my head. Maybe I could convince myself that it was just a nightmare. But, for some reason, my feet remained cemented to the threadbare carpet in the hallway.

I was in shock.

I was disgusted. My mind couldn't process what had just happened. I was confused. And I was ready to burst into tears. Was I being irrational? I heard my husband flush the toilet and wash his hands. He’d be coming out of the bathroom any second now.

I was ashamed that my husband of less than six months felt the need to jerk off in the middle of the night even though I was sleeping a few inches away from him. Why would he do such a thing? The knot that was previously in my stomach was now a boulder.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I had to move. He was going to open the door and find me standing in front of it. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t have any explanation for being in the hallway. 

I felt degraded.

I wasn’t naive enough to believe that my husband never masturbated. That’s what men do, right? I guess I just didn’t think he’d do it when I was around.

Somehow, the thought of it was okay, but the reality wasn’t.

My brain hadn't yet comprehended that I had overheard it actually happening. I knew that didn’t make any sense, and yet, there it was.

Why didn’t he want me? Was I that bad? What did I do wrong? 

I would have been willing to have sex if he had asked me. I believed that everything was okay.

Why was this bothering me so much? I overheard my husband masturbating. So what, right?

Yeah, but ... 

Why did I feel so empty inside?

Why was my heart beating so fast?

Why did I feel like clawing his eyes out, screaming at him, and making him explain why he chose his hand over me?

Why did I feel so violated? 

I didn’t understand why this was happening.

The light from the crack under the door vanished and the door swung inward. Before I could react, my husband stepped into the hallway and directly into me.