SMOKING HOPE

Vol. 1 No. 5

houston we have a problem: part v

​This is a five part series intended to be read in order.​
​WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL CONTENT. DISCRETION ADVISED.

WHEN I OPENED the bedroom door, I wasn’t even thinking about my husband. But as soon as I realized I had to leave the safety of the bedroom, I panicked. I wasn’t ready to face him. I stood in the doorway unable to move.

I listened. Nothing.

I couldn’t hear him in the living room. Where was he? Maybe he wasn’t awake yet? I couldn’t handle a confrontation right now. I had to get ready and leave for the day. I had to avoid him until I could figure this out.

Darting across the hallway, I strode into the bathroom and gently closed the door. I stood behind it, waiting for the ringing in my ears to stop. Just as I put my head on the door, he gently knocked.

“Aargh,” I shrieked. “Go away.”

“Hon, I’m sorry. Please come out and talk to me.”

“Go away,” I repeated.

“Please babe, I …”

I cut him off. “I. SAID. GO. AWAY.” I heard his footsteps recede down the hallway. Stifling a sob, I took off my clothes and turned on the water for the shower. I caught a glimpse of my naked reflection in the mirror as I was waiting for the water to warm.

Yuck!

No wonder he wanted to look at that magazine.

A closer inspection revealed that I had put on a few pounds since we got married. There was a bulge in my gut that hadn’t been there before. Plus, my hips and thighs looked bigger. Even my hands looked bloated and fat.

My eyes were all red and splotchy and had huge dark circles under them. My hair was plastered to the side of my face on one side and sticking up in the back. It looked like it hadn’t been combed in a week. My brown roots desperately needed a highlight, and my eyebrows could use a full waxing. I was desperately close to achieving full unibrow status.

Pathetic!

The reflection staring back at me proved what a total loser I had become. I was a 21-year-old hot mess and I wasn’t sure how it had happened. I knew that before I went to bed, I felt good. But the past hour had somehow robbed me of everything I thought I knew.

I couldn't un-see the ugliness that was a billboard before my eyes now. How could I have looked at myself and not seen what a wreck I was? And when did I let myself go like this? Who was this woman looking back at me?

How could I ever feel attractive again?

If my own husband preferred models, I'd never be able to satisfy him.

Peeling my eyes away from my reflection in disgust, I stepped into the shower. My tears mixing with the spray of the water, I sobbed quietly while I lathered my body. How was I ever going to get through this day, let alone the rest of my life?

EVERYTHING changed with that ugly discovery and I felt like such a fool for not knowing sooner.

My entire life was a big

fat

ugly

lie.

Really?