Vol. 1 No. 9
am i crazy?
How is it possible to go from seemingly normal--albeit completely clueless--to this insane nut-job I've become?
One minute I'm crying so hard my nose hurts from wiping off all of the snot. I consider taking stock in Kleenex. My whole body heaves with each gut-wrenching sob. My throat is raw, my eyes are so puffy they look like they're going to swell shut. I'm worse than a baby with colic.
The next, I'm a raving lunatic who wants to lash out and hurt him. The hatred spewing from me is evident in my stance, glare and voice. I think of clawing his eyes out. Sometimes I actually slap him--taking immense satisfaction in the rigid red handprint I see across his cheek. I think the devil is inside me because of the thoughts I'm having.
But, wait! How can I be such polar opposites within seconds? Neither one is the real me. I don't recognize myself or my actions, but am seemingly powerless to stop them. By the time my brain begins processing what I'm feeling, my heart shifts again and I'm thrown into a completely different feeling.
How is this possible when I don't even know what I'm feeling!
I remember all of this as if it were yesterday. When you're in a relationship with a sex addict your lose control of your life ... and even yourself. You look in the mirror and don't know how you got here. Just surviving an hour without a complete breakdown is an accomplishment.
Your spouse or partner is the sex addict, and yet, you're the one who is "acting out." How is this even possible?
I remember not knowing why I was feeling what I was feeling; how to cope with what I was feeling; and if I was even feeling anything at all. Years later, when I began helping other women work through the pain and agony associated with a relationship with a sex addict, I found a word that changed everything: GRIEF.
Sometimes just knowing that there is a justifiable basis for what you're feeling helps immensely. That word would have likely altered my behavior if I had known that was what I was dealing with. Knowledge is power. Knowing somehow offers a sense of grace which previously may not have been attainable.
Take comfort in that word. Research it. Understand it. I'm not saying this will magically make the feelings go away, or the behaviors vanish. But, you just may be surprised by how much it will help to know that you're
Traci is a Betrayal Recovery Specialist and the owner of Healing Betrayed Hearts. She has almost 30 years experience recovering from a relationship with a sex addict.