Smoking hope

Vol. 1 No. 6

normal is just a setting on a dryer

AS THE SPOUSE OR PARTNER of a sex addict, your normal implodes, disintegrating before your eyes. Everything you thought you knew ceases to exist. Nothing is taken for granted any longer. You long for the mundane and crave simplicity.

When will you ever feel normal again?

I remember focusing on attaining something that didn't even really exist. I looked at other couples and longed to have what they did. Everywhere I went, I was bombarded with lovers holding hands and laughing at private jokes. Jealousy and anger ruled my life.

I felt robbed.

I felt cheated.

Why was everyone else so blissfully happy when my life was falling apart? It wasn't fair! It wasn't how life was supposed to be!

I wanted my life back ... and yet, DIDN'T at the same time. My life was a lie, so why would I want that? It was all so confusing.

I just wanted to feel normal! Was that too much to ask? But the truth was, I didn't even REALLY know what that meant.

How could I EVER go back knowing what I did? I couldn't UN-know that my husband was a sex addict. Everything about my life as I knew it wasn't even real. He had lied about everything and anything. I didn't even know who I was anymore ...

I trusted nothing and no one. 

And yet, I still longed for normal.

It wasn't until I finally accepted--outside of drying clothes--normal doesn't exist, that I was able to move forward. I had to quit living in the past. I had to stop longing for what was ... or what I thought WAS.

Letting go of who I thought I married, my focus had to shift from him, and what had happened, to ME. I needed to put effort into figuring out who I wanted to become. Longing for the past and what I THOUGHT had been was breaking my heart over and over again. Wanting something that wasn't even real didn't make any sense. Right now I had to focus on today ... one second at a time just as my dryer effortlessly ticked away on the normal setting.